


Redamancy

by Sasu_hime



Category: Naruto
Genre: Hella angsty bruh, M/M, y'all are forewarned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 04:36:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12927588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasu_hime/pseuds/Sasu_hime
Summary: sometimes falling in love is a scary thing, especially when you're supposed to hate this certain person. Sasuke certainly knows.





	Redamancy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [narutoandsasukearecanon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/narutoandsasukearecanon/gifts).



> This fic is written especially for Narutoandsasukearecanon. I hope you like it!
> 
> Also, on a side note, this fic was heavily inspired by War of Hearts by Ruelle, so if youdtlike to go listen to that first, go ahead. As for where this fic falls in the Naruto timeline, you can decide for yourself. It's rather canon-divergent in itself.

****

It was in the late hours of the night that Sasuke contemplated that notion. It came as somewhat of an epiphany, but he had recognized said epiphany a while ago, it just so happened that he now saw it for what it was.

And it terrified him, because this wasn't how things were supposed to turn out, not ever. Sasuke was supposed hate him dammit.

He lurched forward and cradled his head in his hands, shutting his eyes tightly and gripping his hair into sinuously disarrayed strands. Thoughts of him were like a plague. Broken buzzes of a diptera against glass could be heard at a distance, the sound serving as a reminder of the thoughts that bothered him; that kept him up past the midnight hour.

If only those thoughts were as easy to dispatch of as is a fly.

What's worse, he was right  _ there _ , next to his own futon, vexatious noises coming out of him. He was a damn beast, chest rising and falling slowly with a deep rumble. He was twisted at an awkward angle that couldn't possibly be comfortable, limbs here and there, long and reaching out to Sasuke. Such was his fear of letting him go, the Uchiha supposed; that even in sleep he needed to know Sasuke was close by.

But… Sasuke didn't want him near him. Goodness no. Or so he told himself. The dobe’s hand was loosely gripping the hem of Sasuke’s shirt and Sasuke wanted to fucking  _ scream _ .

What a horrid, horrid thing. To be in love with  _him_ of all people.

Slowly, the grip on inky hair loosened and lowered, some strands sticking to the calamity of Sasuke’s palms. He breathed in shakily and, with a force seemingly exaggerated, pried the sleeping boys fingers off his shirt and threw his sweat-soaked blankets off his person, standing up slowly. He trudged towards the bedroom door and walked out into the warmly lit hallway, palming rough pale blue walls more for support than guidance. He could see the exit in a dull wooden door with peeled forest green paint. Rather ugly, but to Sasuke it was a source of freedom; the key to sundering the source that fed his love for-

“Sasuke?”

No…

Naruto yawned, rubbing his eyes. “what're you doin’ up?” His words were slurred. He squinted and turned to look at the bright red numbers of a digital clock nearby. “It's 2:37 S’uke, let's go back to bed.”

Sasuke’s lips trembled. Couldn't Naruto see that the more he stayed here, the more he fell for him? Sasuke… He couldn't bare it.

“I…”

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and the Uchiha visibly flinched. Naruto frowned. “Sasuke? You okay?”

No. “I’m fine, I'm fine…. I'm fine.” He flitted his hand absently, trying to rid himself of the blonde’s contact, but to no avail.

Naruto frowned, tiredness forgotten. He clutched both of Sasuke’s shoulders and spun him around. Sasuke’s head was bowed, a curtain of blue-black hair obscuring his face from the blonde. “Sasuke you're shaking.. Look at me?”

Sasuke didn't look up.

Calloused fingers rose his chin up. A small gasp was elicited. From who, Sasuke didn't know, but the next thing he knew Naruto’s palms were on him. They roamed around as if checking for injuries; they smoothed over his hair, lips, face, cheeks. Thick calloused thumbs caught his tears and that ever sweet voice became laced with concern, more so than it was before.

“Sasuke, what's wrong? Don't-don't cry..” Naruto sounded desperate.  Sasuke swallowed. THIS was the reason why he wanted to get away. Not only for his own sake, but for Naruto’s as well.

Pale hands halted roving tan ones. Sasuke brought them down slowly and looked away. He let Naruto go and furiously rubbed his eyes, trying to stop the onslaught of tears that took over. They wouldn't stop. “I can't stay here any longer, Naruto.” He proclaimed. Something he'd planned on talking about to Naruto months ago but couldn't bring himself to do it over his selfish desires. Naruto was better off without him, yet here he was, troubling him incessantly. Naruto didn't need that.

Horror spread across Naruto’s face and he approached Sasuke slowly, grabbing Sasuke’s forearms. “Sasuke no… y-you can't do that...” Naruto held Sasuke close. The raven fought him strongly, refusing such contact, yet craving for it,  _thirsting_ for it, but denying it.

Naruto tightened his hold on Sasuke and buried his face in raven hair, mumbling incoherencies. Sasuke shut his eyes tight, he wanted to sob. Naruto’s longing for Sasuke stabbed at his heart.

But that was the thing. Naruto’s unconditional love for him really hurt, more than he liked to admit, which was really contradictory. love was supposed to feel good, but that wasn't the case for Sasuke. It made him writhe in emotional pain. This love scalded him and streaked him with invisible scars.

To think that anyone would love him now of all times, when everyone wanted him dead? It was bizarre. Even Sakura, who claimed to have loved him, made an attempt to kill him herself.

And then there was Naruto. He still loved him. But why? This bothered Sasuke. It was funny, really, it was almost as if he was asking to be hated by everyone, but at this point, maybe that really was what he wanted. Hatred had been a very prevalent thing to him ever since the massacring of his clan. He breathed it in, and now here he was, dealing with the opposite of hatred. And he hated it, he didn't know how to deal with it.

He fought this bout of affection the only way he knew: violence. roughly shoving the blonde off of him, he backed away and yelled, “Don't you see that I don't want to be with you Naruto!?” which was a lie. Of course he wanted to be with Naruto, he wanted to spend every waking day by his side. But…

Naruto growled. He followed and squeezed Sasuke tightly, almost painfully, and Sasuke yelped. He thrashed around more and,--if possible--got squeezed righter. His thrashing stopped and he gasped painfully.

Naruto glared. “No, Sasuke!” it was supposed to be a reprimand, but it sounded more like a plea.

“Let me… T-the fuck.. Go.” Sasuke wheezed, clenching his teeth.

“Sasuke you piece of shit-” Naruto let Sasuke go and violently shook his shoulders. “No! You aren't leaving me! Not now that I have you back! Don't you see that it hurts the both of us to be away from each other? I can see it in your face…” He sniffled, looking away briefly. Sasuke’s eyes widened considerably.

Naruto continued, eyes glistening with tears. He stared at Sasuke with such ferocity in his watery blue eyes, it took his breath away.

“I love you Sasuke, and I’m never letting you go.” He pulled the stunned Raven close again. This time he didn't refuse.

Blonde spikes swished lightly; Naruto shook his head and laughed, void of any humor. “I can't lose you after I got you back Sasuke… Do you… Do you hate me so much that you genuinely want to leave?”

Sasuke’s eyes watered again and a fresh bout of tears dribbled down his cheeks. It wasn't that, not at all. Sasuke loved Naruto, more than words could ever describe. He slumped slightly in defeat.

“Naruto…” He breathed in shakily. “I…” He paused.

“Yeah?”

Sasuke clenched his eyes, a pained expression etched on his features. Years of denial made him physically unable to express his feelings. His head told him he couldn't love Naruto, but his heart yearned for the blonde. It yearned to be let free of the confines Sasuke spent years perfecting.

Sasuke sighed. He swallowed nervously. “I'm scared,” he whispered.

A sad smile bloomed on the blonde’s features. “It's okay, you know,” he murmured. “To be scared…” He spoke in a subdued tone of voice, completely different to the one he was using just a few seconds ago. Naruto slipped his hands from Sasuke’s shoulders down to his hands. He held them tightly.

“Ah…”

But was it really? He stole a glance at Naruto’s face and a play of emotions danced across his features: sadness, pain, fear. He seemed to be searching Sasuke’s face for an answer. An answer Sasuke wasn't even sure he had.

Sasuke wretched his hands away from Naruto’s. “Why don't you hate me?”

Naruto stared at Sasuke, perplexed. “W-what?”

Sasuke sat down. There, on the faded wooden floor. He pulled a knee up to his chest and hid his face behind it, looking anywhere but at Naruto. “Everyone hates me. Even without doing anything.. people hate me.” He briefly recalled the Uchiha massacre, and in a murky moment of clarity, realized that just being for an Uchiha (and a child no less) he was wanted dead by Konoha, all those years ago.

He breathed in, finally meeting Naruto's eyes. “So why don't you?”

Naruto sat down too, mirroring Sasuke’s position. He pulled both of his knees to his chest and propped his chin on his knees. He contemplated this question, but didn't have an exact answer. Why would he hate Sasuke? Sure back when they were twelve he THOUGHT he hated him, but that was far from true. Sasuke, he was like him. They were both broken boys beaten by society, and Naruto couldn't hate someone who too has suffered the pain of loneliness and neglect. He voiced these thoughts to Sasuke.

“If I told you I hated you would it make you feel better, Sasuke?” Naruto asked. Looking at Sasuke’s pleading eyes, it was almost as if he was ASKING for Naruto to hate him. Why, the blonde didn't know, and it was… Disconcerting, to say the least. Everything of Sasuke right now was disconcerting, but Naruto bared it.

“maybe.”

Naruto frowned at that. “what?”

“Maybe it really would make me feel better if you hated me, because then I wouldn't have caused you all this unnecessary grief.”

Of all the answers to have expected… “Sasuke…” Naruto sighed. “You have caused me grief,” he started. He saw Sasuke wilt a bit at that. “A lot, actually. But you know what?” He asked. He reached out and put a hand on the other boys knee. “I would go through it again and again if it meant having you here safe with me. That kind of grief you caused me, it's a good kind of grief.”

Sasuke had buried his face behind his knees and his body wracked with sobs.

Naruto swallowed back his own tears. “It's the kind of grief you feel when… your uh, exercising. that feeling you get when you just can't run anymore but you push yourself to keep running even though you are begging yourself to stop? Yeah. like that. Except 1000x better. Worse? You know what I mean” He grinned sheepishly. “The kind of grief that comes along with the pursuit of your lifetime goal.”

muffled chuckles came from Sasuke, and his bangs swished slightly with the movement. He lifted his head up, his smile contrasting against his watery eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. “That’s a horrible analogy dobe,” he chided jokingly.

Naruto grinned even wider. “Ah, but you get my point right?”

“Hn…”

Naruto smiled. He let go of his knees and opted for a reclining position against the door. “Sasuke?”

Said boy sniffled a bit. “Yeah?”

Naruto gazed at Sasuke, a longing look in his eyes. “I really do love you, you know? Don't… Don't leave.”

Sasuke stared at Naruto, and a piece of him, a very small piece of him still flared in denial for loving Naruto. A bit of his earlier internal turmoil stabbed at his heart, and he gripped at his chest, hand splayed as if physically preventing himself from acting upon any of his earlier… Reveries. But truth was, even though he truly did want to leave… He didn't. He wanted to stay here with Naruto. But…

But nothing, no more excuses. Why be in denial for something he felt, something they BOTH felt?

Slowly, he breathed in. Here goes. “I won't.”

Naruto sat properly, eyes shining. “Y-you won't?”

Sasuke shook his head. “No. Naruto, look. I…” He gulped. His voice came out shaky. “I have strong feelings for you too. And… And until now I've been running away from them. Tonight I almost succeeded.”

Naruto nodded understandably. He internally breathed in a sigh of relief at the sheer luck of him waking up just before Sasuke went through with leaving.

“I'm tired of running. Naruto?”

The walls Sasuke spent years building, walls he spent years making just to keep love out, Crumbled. “I love you.”

A small noise came out of Naruto, his eyes wide and staring at Sasuke.

The next thing Sasuke knew, he was holding a big armful of Naruto.

Sasuke gasped at the force of being tackled. Naruto buried his face in the ravens chest and cried openly. He hugged him tightly, lifting his face from Sasuke’s chest and wetly kissing his cheek. “Do you really?”

Sasuke blushed red. He looked away but held Naruto closer. “I do.”

And it was then that Sasuke truly contemplated THAT notion: the notion of truly loving. Unlike before though, it didn't come as an epiphany. He’d always loved Naruto, and he'd always known it, it just so happened that he had realized it now.

And it didn't terrify him, because what is there to fear, when everything he feared of was losing Naruto, who was right here with him?

He had him right here, they had each other, and they didn't hate one another, no. Right in this moment, as Sasuke held Naruto, Sasuke didn't know a stronger feeling than the one he was feeling now.Sometimes

** Love. **


End file.
